Sunday, March 05, 2006

Full-contact Judaism

For years I’ve been struggling with issues of Jewish affiliation and how it lines up with my sense of faith. From the Orthodox Judaism of my youth, to the disassociation of my middle years, to my recent slow reconnection back to tradition, questions of what I feel and what I believe have grown and receded with the seasons. It’s a balancing act. Some days I don’t know where I stand, and others I know, but am unsure why.

And then today it hit me. Why have I spent so many years grappling with Judaism, when there’s a simple answer waiting right in front of me? Today instead of wrestling with Judaism, I will be wrestling directly with my rabbi. I have challenged Rabbi Horowitz to a no-holds-barred match, in the social hall of Beth Shalom. I’m thinking smackdown, rumble-style, maybe a few folding chairs to keep things interesting. He’s only 5'8" and 190 pounds or so, so I’m pretty sure I can take him, or at any rate it’ll be a fair fight. There will be light refreshments afterwards, sponsored by the sisterhood.

Costume-wise, I’ve studied WWE tapes and tights seem to be de rigueur, so I’ve dug up a pair from back when I worked on coding for Microsoft, and a harness I put together out of tefillin straps and empty mayonnaise jars to demonstrate my ambiguity between the Jewish and the secular worlds. Plus a mask made out of an old tichel (Orthodox married women’s head covering) to keep him guessing. I am still deciding on a name, though I am leaning toward the Shprintzinator, after my great-grandmother Bubbe Shprintze. Your alternate suggestions are welcome.

The winner will either embrace a life committed to Torah and mitzvot and regular shul attendance (me), or McDonalds and loose women (him). Best two out of three wins. The cantor has offered to referee. I’m taking the rest of the afternoon off work to work on pile drives.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.


Blogger Balabusta in Blue Jeans said...

I am laughing so hard I can hardly type.

7:31 PM  
Blogger wishiwerejack said...

I have used this approach for resolving religious issues and found it very effective.

11:33 PM  
Blogger elf said...


1:57 PM  

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